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sweet dee drops knowledge all over everybody's ass.

wrap your minds around this.

Tag Archives: pregnant

fat kids are not cute.

Motivated by Michelle Obama’s website on simple changes that can lead to weight loss (and an overall healthier lifestyle – I haven’t read it, but i’m sure it says that in the tagline), I’ve decided to drop a little knowledge on my fan base about how to not be fat (do as I say, not as I do).

10. Order a diet coke as opposed to regular to accompany your loaded nachos or philly cheesesteak (or both).

9. Instead of that triple cheeseburger for lunch, do the master cleanse for a week.

8. Drink light beer, well, unless you’re trying to get drunk.

7. Get liposuction, or even better, get that surgery where they shrink your stomach, and you’ll die if you eat too much.

6. Order a parasite online.  Pricy but effective.  (I just made myself rull sick trying to find a good website for purchasing, but i do know they cost about 2,000 dollars, and if you don’t remember to kill/remove your tapeworm, it can grow up to 6 feet long).

5. Get pregant.  Sure, you’ll gain weight for a bit, but it will be justified and breastfeeding helps you lose weight like woah, or so I’ve heard.

good for your baby.

4. Stop eating altogether.  Will be tough, but worth it in the long run.  Well, until your body can no longer sustain itself and then you’re dead.

3. Develop a cocaine addiction.  Slimming and makes you more interesting to others. Win win.

2. Always carry around an ice block, at 228 calories a bottle you can’t afford to be caught off-guard.

get iced, bitch.

1. Maybe don’t eat the KFC double down chicken sandwich or fried oreos.  Instead of a 2 liter of Mt. Dew, try juice, water, maybe even milk (it’s good for your bones).  Stop playing World of Warcraft all day and give the Wii a try, the real fatties should stay away from Mario Olympics because it’s known to cause injury (talking about you, Splodges), or get rull crazy and go outside.  Gawed, America, what the fuck.

Peace out bitches,

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i don't even like cats.

Why is everyone, and by everyone, I mean all my facebook friends from high school/ some college that I don’t ever talk to, either married or with child(s)?  I feel like I’m missing something.  Should I too be meeting my soulmate, getting engaged, and having babies (not necessarily, or likely, in that order)?  Let’s do some math.

I’m 22 (nearly 23).  I assume that once I meet a potential mr. right (minimum qualifications: hot, straight, tall, not a douche, from Delaware, or a Jets’ fan), I’m going to want at least 1.5 to 2 years to decide if I can put up with the person long term.  Then, as my wedding will be spectacular (spoiler alert: my dress will be green and if I can afford nothing else i’ll have an extensive open bar), I’ll need a decent amount of time to plan (I love planning).  Then there’s the whole having children part, which, if I didn’t have such amazing genes, I would save some time and just stick with my previous plan of adoption, but that’s another 9 months + conceiving, which with the fact that I’ve been on bc for forever may be near impossible.  If my math is correct (unlikely as I’m a girl)  it seems that if I want to have any semblance of a family (me + danny and a dog doesn’t count) by the time I’m 28 (ohmigod, ancient), I’ll need to have either already met my appropriate male/female (not ready to rule out that possibility) counterpart, or do so before my next birthday.  Which gives me 2 months and 6 days to review all past guy friendships/more-than-friendships, as well as meet as many new potentials as possible, before I’m metaphorically “dried up.”

Gawed. This sounds like far too much work for the summer, so I think I’ll just stick to the naive school of thought that includes “everything happens for a reason,” “it’ll all come out in the wash,” and “fuck bitches, get money.”  Plus, planning ahead is for nubs.  I’m 22 – just a baby.  I’ll do what I want.

I have a number of faux-boyfriends currently, but as none of them have graduated past the nickname stage (range rover eddie, new zealand ben, baseball/soccer/tennis boyfriend, splodges), I’m technically single.  And i’m content with this.  Summer is the time for laying out, drinking, playing frisbee, getting got, icing, swimming, and making money, not the time for being a girlfriend.  Also, I think my deal breaker list has grown so long, that I may never find a potential mate that fits all of the necessary requirements.  Maybe once I get rull rich I’ll just hire the millionaire matchmaker to do the work for me, but until then, probs just gonna keep acting like i’m still in college, dressing like a cartoon and attracting old men and douchebags, all while fantasizing about adrian peterson.

wistful.

The only good thing about everyone but me falling in love is all of the weddings. I love weddings.  And I plan to finagle invites to and/or crash at least 3 this summer.  I already have the perfect dress.  Consider yourselves warned.

Peace out bitches,

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