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sweet dee drops knowledge all over everybody's ass.

wrap your minds around this.

Tag Archives: lesbianism

i don't even like cats.

Why is everyone, and by everyone, I mean all my facebook friends from high school/ some college that I don’t ever talk to, either married or with child(s)?  I feel like I’m missing something.  Should I too be meeting my soulmate, getting engaged, and having babies (not necessarily, or likely, in that order)?  Let’s do some math.

I’m 22 (nearly 23).  I assume that once I meet a potential mr. right (minimum qualifications: hot, straight, tall, not a douche, from Delaware, or a Jets’ fan), I’m going to want at least 1.5 to 2 years to decide if I can put up with the person long term.  Then, as my wedding will be spectacular (spoiler alert: my dress will be green and if I can afford nothing else i’ll have an extensive open bar), I’ll need a decent amount of time to plan (I love planning).  Then there’s the whole having children part, which, if I didn’t have such amazing genes, I would save some time and just stick with my previous plan of adoption, but that’s another 9 months + conceiving, which with the fact that I’ve been on bc for forever may be near impossible.  If my math is correct (unlikely as I’m a girl)  it seems that if I want to have any semblance of a family (me + danny and a dog doesn’t count) by the time I’m 28 (ohmigod, ancient), I’ll need to have either already met my appropriate male/female (not ready to rule out that possibility) counterpart, or do so before my next birthday.  Which gives me 2 months and 6 days to review all past guy friendships/more-than-friendships, as well as meet as many new potentials as possible, before I’m metaphorically “dried up.”

Gawed. This sounds like far too much work for the summer, so I think I’ll just stick to the naive school of thought that includes “everything happens for a reason,” “it’ll all come out in the wash,” and “fuck bitches, get money.”  Plus, planning ahead is for nubs.  I’m 22 – just a baby.  I’ll do what I want.

I have a number of faux-boyfriends currently, but as none of them have graduated past the nickname stage (range rover eddie, new zealand ben, baseball/soccer/tennis boyfriend, splodges), I’m technically single.  And i’m content with this.  Summer is the time for laying out, drinking, playing frisbee, getting got, icing, swimming, and making money, not the time for being a girlfriend.  Also, I think my deal breaker list has grown so long, that I may never find a potential mate that fits all of the necessary requirements.  Maybe once I get rull rich I’ll just hire the millionaire matchmaker to do the work for me, but until then, probs just gonna keep acting like i’m still in college, dressing like a cartoon and attracting old men and douchebags, all while fantasizing about adrian peterson.

wistful.

The only good thing about everyone but me falling in love is all of the weddings. I love weddings.  And I plan to finagle invites to and/or crash at least 3 this summer.  I already have the perfect dress.  Consider yourselves warned.

Peace out bitches,

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Americans are idiots.  Like seriously, fucking idiots.  Maybe it’s just because I’ve been in a terrible mood (most likely due to the fact that I haven’t been keeping up with running, drinking, or any of my other go-to activities for stress release or the fact that I actually have the plague),  but I’ve seen a record amount of fritattaness, and I RULLY need to rant.

Patriotism. TO THE MAX.

gawed, republicans are the worst.

I absolutely can’t stand when people – whether or not they have any idea what they’re talking about – go on and on about how if someone has a problem with something in our country, then they can GEEEET OUT.  Isn’t that the fucking point of America?  To have the freedom (keyword) to have our own opinions about things? Admittedly, i’m not super patriotic.  Not like I hate Amurica, per se, I just think that when people adorn themselves in red, white, and blue paraphernalia they look ridiculous (and not in a good way).  Believe me, I’m very happy to have been born in Southwestern Virgina and been provided all the opportunities that come with the “American Dream” (college education, clean water, network television), but that doesn’t mean I have to use a flag as a throw blanket or set off fireworks from my balcony.  Or does it?  Maybe I just don’t know the rules.

How’s that gon’ ‘fect mai internets?

Seriously?  Seriously.  Why are the citizens of South Arlington so extremely incompetent?  I legit had to listen to a woman  complain to the guy at Best Buy about how she couldn’t get the anti-virus software to work on her off-brand laptop.  From what I could deduce, she was attempting to use a stolen disc, and didn’t understand that you also needed the license, which makes more sense than the fact that she also didn’t understand why having a wireless password was a good idea, “they think dey gon’ steal mai internets?”  You can’t make this shit up.  The only thing that made this event at all worth it (besides the fact that I laugh out loud everytime I think of the women wearing pajamas in BB at 5:30 PM) is that I somehow ended up with a brand new camera, because the frittatas at BB lost my broken one after calling to tell me they wouldn’t be replacing it due to water damage not being covered by my warranty.  (I then dropped said brand new camera in a sink full of soapy water at Mcfadden’s not 3 days later, but that’s besides the point, and it still works).

I don’t know what language that is, but it definitely translates to douche.

Nothing is douchier than a bad tattoo (or an Armani Exchange shirt that makes you look like peter pan.  Hm.  Or Smirnoff Ice, but that’s douchy in a bro way).  Recently read an exchange on my news feed.  I’ve paraphrased:

Douche #1: I’ve put this as my status, because I know that everyone I’m “friends” with cares a lot about my life, and this event is important to me: Getting a tattoo, but I’m not sure what I want yet.

Douche #2: Well you shouldn’t get one unless you’re certain it’s not gonna make you look like a complete jackass.

Douche #1: LOL. LMFAO. I’ve wanted one for a long time. Just can’t decide between a couple of ideas.

Douche #2: Oh. Ok. Good luck 🙂

Douche #3: I just got a tattoo of my birth sign, chicks dig it.

Me: that is the most original tattoo idea I’ve ever heard. to think. only the nations population divided by 12 share the same birth sign. I hope you got it on your bicep.

It’s not lying if I’m only doing it because it’s easier for me than telling the truth.

Why do some people lie for absolutely no reason?  I mean.  Okay.  Every now and then I tell little white lies when it gets me out of a huge unnecessary explanation of something to my mom (ex. danny not telling his mom that he had actually not checked whether or not we were allowed to have a grill on our balcony before buying one – spoiler alert: we’re not) or having to go on a date with a creeper (ex. “sorry, I’m a lesbian”), but I’m talking about when people just straight up lie.  As I feel I’m not a terrible (and by terrible I mean, not terrible in this regard) person, I don’t really see the motivation behind doing this,  but I’ve come up with some potential reasons:

1. Person needs everyone to like him/her, so instead of telling the truth in cases where it may result in even the tiniest bit of disdain from the receiving party, person tells a lie, and receiver is happy, well until they inevitably find out the truth.

2. Person doesn’t understand the difference between reality and web of lies invented within person’s head.  Not person’s fault.

3. Person has no respect for other persons feelings; Person is selfish.

4. Person is a lawyer, car salesman, or recent president.

5. Person knows more than me about how to cultivate successful relationships, and maybe I should start lying more.  Perhaps person is currently ranting about how it’s weird when other persons tell the truth all the time for seemingly no reason.

Go home, grandpa.

Seriously? Who gave this guy a license??

Remember that time when old people were cute?  Like when they couldn’t drive or understand technology or how much things cost?  NO.  It has come to my attention that the majority of old people (my grandparents excluded, because they are super self-sufficient, capable drivers, and know more about technology than me – not saying a lot, because I’m a girl, but still) are dangers to society.  Over the past week I’ve seen the guy from the tales from the crypt running more than one redlight, comin’ innnn to my lane OBLIVIOUS to me, and driving wrong way on a one way street (which we all know is only appropriate under the most special of circumstances).  I feel like it’d be hard to convince the government that we should start practicing senilicide like in the good old days, but is it too much to ask that perhaps we have license renewal tests after a certain age.  You know, just to make sure gramps can still operate the steering wheel, or understand the difference between drive, reverse, and the parking break?

I’m a terrible person.  It’s a wonder the 3 of you that read this are my friends.

Peace out bitches,

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