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Tag Archives: danny gordon

Americans are idiots.  Like seriously, fucking idiots.  Maybe it’s just because I’ve been in a terrible mood (most likely due to the fact that I haven’t been keeping up with running, drinking, or any of my other go-to activities for stress release or the fact that I actually have the plague),  but I’ve seen a record amount of fritattaness, and I RULLY need to rant.

Patriotism. TO THE MAX.

gawed, republicans are the worst.

I absolutely can’t stand when people – whether or not they have any idea what they’re talking about – go on and on about how if someone has a problem with something in our country, then they can GEEEET OUT.  Isn’t that the fucking point of America?  To have the freedom (keyword) to have our own opinions about things? Admittedly, i’m not super patriotic.  Not like I hate Amurica, per se, I just think that when people adorn themselves in red, white, and blue paraphernalia they look ridiculous (and not in a good way).  Believe me, I’m very happy to have been born in Southwestern Virgina and been provided all the opportunities that come with the “American Dream” (college education, clean water, network television), but that doesn’t mean I have to use a flag as a throw blanket or set off fireworks from my balcony.  Or does it?  Maybe I just don’t know the rules.

How’s that gon’ ‘fect mai internets?

Seriously?  Seriously.  Why are the citizens of South Arlington so extremely incompetent?  I legit had to listen to a woman  complain to the guy at Best Buy about how she couldn’t get the anti-virus software to work on her off-brand laptop.  From what I could deduce, she was attempting to use a stolen disc, and didn’t understand that you also needed the license, which makes more sense than the fact that she also didn’t understand why having a wireless password was a good idea, “they think dey gon’ steal mai internets?”  You can’t make this shit up.  The only thing that made this event at all worth it (besides the fact that I laugh out loud everytime I think of the women wearing pajamas in BB at 5:30 PM) is that I somehow ended up with a brand new camera, because the frittatas at BB lost my broken one after calling to tell me they wouldn’t be replacing it due to water damage not being covered by my warranty.  (I then dropped said brand new camera in a sink full of soapy water at Mcfadden’s not 3 days later, but that’s besides the point, and it still works).

I don’t know what language that is, but it definitely translates to douche.

Nothing is douchier than a bad tattoo (or an Armani Exchange shirt that makes you look like peter pan.  Hm.  Or Smirnoff Ice, but that’s douchy in a bro way).  Recently read an exchange on my news feed.  I’ve paraphrased:

Douche #1: I’ve put this as my status, because I know that everyone I’m “friends” with cares a lot about my life, and this event is important to me: Getting a tattoo, but I’m not sure what I want yet.

Douche #2: Well you shouldn’t get one unless you’re certain it’s not gonna make you look like a complete jackass.

Douche #1: LOL. LMFAO. I’ve wanted one for a long time. Just can’t decide between a couple of ideas.

Douche #2: Oh. Ok. Good luck 🙂

Douche #3: I just got a tattoo of my birth sign, chicks dig it.

Me: that is the most original tattoo idea I’ve ever heard. to think. only the nations population divided by 12 share the same birth sign. I hope you got it on your bicep.

It’s not lying if I’m only doing it because it’s easier for me than telling the truth.

Why do some people lie for absolutely no reason?  I mean.  Okay.  Every now and then I tell little white lies when it gets me out of a huge unnecessary explanation of something to my mom (ex. danny not telling his mom that he had actually not checked whether or not we were allowed to have a grill on our balcony before buying one – spoiler alert: we’re not) or having to go on a date with a creeper (ex. “sorry, I’m a lesbian”), but I’m talking about when people just straight up lie.  As I feel I’m not a terrible (and by terrible I mean, not terrible in this regard) person, I don’t really see the motivation behind doing this,  but I’ve come up with some potential reasons:

1. Person needs everyone to like him/her, so instead of telling the truth in cases where it may result in even the tiniest bit of disdain from the receiving party, person tells a lie, and receiver is happy, well until they inevitably find out the truth.

2. Person doesn’t understand the difference between reality and web of lies invented within person’s head.  Not person’s fault.

3. Person has no respect for other persons feelings; Person is selfish.

4. Person is a lawyer, car salesman, or recent president.

5. Person knows more than me about how to cultivate successful relationships, and maybe I should start lying more.  Perhaps person is currently ranting about how it’s weird when other persons tell the truth all the time for seemingly no reason.

Go home, grandpa.

Seriously? Who gave this guy a license??

Remember that time when old people were cute?  Like when they couldn’t drive or understand technology or how much things cost?  NO.  It has come to my attention that the majority of old people (my grandparents excluded, because they are super self-sufficient, capable drivers, and know more about technology than me – not saying a lot, because I’m a girl, but still) are dangers to society.  Over the past week I’ve seen the guy from the tales from the crypt running more than one redlight, comin’ innnn to my lane OBLIVIOUS to me, and driving wrong way on a one way street (which we all know is only appropriate under the most special of circumstances).  I feel like it’d be hard to convince the government that we should start practicing senilicide like in the good old days, but is it too much to ask that perhaps we have license renewal tests after a certain age.  You know, just to make sure gramps can still operate the steering wheel, or understand the difference between drive, reverse, and the parking break?

I’m a terrible person.  It’s a wonder the 3 of you that read this are my friends.

Peace out bitches,

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On the eve of my one year singleversary, I would like to take a moment to remember some of the hi (and lo) lights of my first year in the “real” world.

– My first work happy hour: discovering CCR and drinking 13 Blue Moons (hardly compares to Micah’s 17 guinni) on a Wednesday.

– My 22nd birthday: running barefoot around Adams Morgan (jumbo slice in hand) screaming the lyrics of “birthday sex”

– Wildwood (except for the dirty Jersey part): cock block, my pail, eating fried oreos, and passing out in the grass in front of MTDs house with the captain of the UVA team before waking up to break in and climb in the middle of Hodges, Grace, and Kyle on the fold out couch. Oh yeah, and how good Andy and I are at beer pong.

– Kid Cudi, Tegan and Sara, and Jack’s Mannequin concerts.

– Mastering staffs, you got got, laser tag, pong ball golf, and Candyland.

ice in my veins.

– UVA: Four loko, and that time that Danny was rull Jewish and couldn’t be bothered to get us breakfast.  The birth of Humphrey.  Oh yeah, and WM won.

– That time Danny and I were engaged until it was no longer convenient for him, and then I was widowed.  The time we went to the emergency room.  The time that Danny thought the lyrics were, “fuck you like and electric eel.”  The time Amy couldn’t be bothered to wake up for anything.  The time the tro was for poor people.  The time we got roofied and the time there was a kidnapping.

– Homecoming: serenading Ludwell.  Hodges pissing himself and then saving a plant.

– Nats, Wizards, Redskins, Panthers.

– Thanksgiving, wing week, ludacrismas.

frittatas need love too.

– New Year’s Eve: Avatar, Wii games, multiple viewings of Inglorious Bastards, and the birth of Trotsky.

– New Year’s Eve part 2: white trash and the reincarnation of the beer bong.

– Burtassic park and the time I ran a 5k wearing Richard Hamilton’s headband and Tree wore a face shirt.

– Theme parties: ugly sweaters, Dexter, ABC, bar golf, Jersey shore, and Would you still be my friend if I wore this?

– Miami: 5 star hotel, open bars, and Dan passed in the pool.

– NSB: the time I should have died 3-4 times, beach cruisers, Aspen and Amy, ciddling, the garlic.

elusive.

– Virginia Beach: becoming Aspen (one headband, plaid shirt, beach cruiser, and pair of vans at a time), three way relationships, orange crushes, new awesome friends.

Hm.  That list was longer than intended, and I left out a decent amount of the earlier and the most recent stuff, because I was tired of remembering, but I’ve had quite the year since college graduation and immediate entree into the world of 9 to 5s, happy hours, and business casual dress code. And now it’s over.

I’m a big fan of fresh starts.

Year 2 is looking pretty amazing.  I’m moving in with Danny this weekend in the most baller apartment I’ve ever seen.  I have the majority of my weekends for the next three months planned out (I love planning!!)  Hodges and Tree will be visiting in all of their spare time.  I start grad school in the fall (guarantee I’m the only white girl, not racist/sexist, just true).  Not to mention, I have another whole (oh yes, I did almost type ‘awholenother’) season of football coming up, and we all know that the Matt Moore era will not disappoint.  I am most excited to celebrate my versary tomorrow with Amy, as we raise our glasses to the usual toast, “boys suck,” and I can evening-dream about all of the amazing things that are bound to happen to me in year dos (win the lottery, huge promotion, get mono and lose 20 pounds, marry astronaut mike dexter, etc.)

Dear future (celebrating her 2 year singleversary) SD,

Don’t you dare own a cat or a snuggie.

Love,

Current (not quite yet an old maid, although according to hodges it may already be too late for you and if you’re trying to ever have children, you better start now, or else just give up and begin a long life of alcoholism and loneliness) SD

This went from blog post to diary entry within the first 2 lines. I’m sorry? I love you?

Peace out bitches,

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For each team in the NFL, there is an assortment of characters that make up the hypothetical back-end: the team owners, coaching staff, statisticians, water boys, cheerleaders, kickers, those guys that hold the ball for the kickers, and locker room janitors, to name a few.  Neglecting the owner (most likely a stuck-up old douche bag who thinks he’s the shit, because he owns a professional football team but can’t even get his ugly wife gene to have sex with him and looks absolutely ridiculous in a powder blue suit), who, as far as successful teams go,  is primarily a figure head and, I think the scientific term is, “sugar daddy,” the head coach has supreme rule over team decisions.  Needless to say, when a positive change is made regarding the head coach of a team, it is safe to assume that this will bring positive change to the entire state of the team, and for most teams, I would agree, but you know what they say about assuming, and as far as I’m concerned, some teams just can’t be helped, which brings us to the Redskins.

I have decided to try to put my hatred and  bias aside for the remainder of this exploration, but in order to do this, I’m going to need to get as much of it out now as possible, because the last thing I want is one of my zero followers thinking I like (or could even tolerate) the Redskins.

'nuff said.

OK, so i was about to delve into a rant of no less than 3-5 lines about why the Redskins’ fans are beyond the worst, but then I found the picture above and saved myself from being 50 words closer to carpal tunnel, so I thank you disturbingly obese Redskins fan.  I can’t say I hope your team wins a game for you, but maybe that you happen to get tickets to a game where they’re featuring a free hot dog buffet.  (I’m being a fattist today, more so than usual, and I’m not sure why.  I’m also craving don pablo’s tortillas and con queso like it’s my fucking job).

The Redskins have been creating quite a commotion since the end of the ’09 football season.  We knew it was coming.  Snyder would never take any blame for the fact that he drafts like he’s playing fantasy football, which to his surprise (every fucking year) doesn’t work.  This is probably because in real life you don’t get points based on your individual players, the keyword is “team” and the Redskins are not one.  So, our little black sheep, Zorn, is out, and it’s time for his replacement.  The obvious best choice is the coach that couldn’t take the broncos to the playoffs for three years straight, has a son that’s the current offensive coordinator, and attended Jenna Bush’s wedding (wikipedia, babaaay).

eeeee.

You got it. Mike Shanahan takes the reins as not only head coach, but also general manager of the team — seriously? that happened?  Now we’re all wondering.  Is it time for the Redskins’ fans to get off the Saints’, Vikings’, and Jets’ bandwagons and start cheering for their team again?  Should they all go out and buy their ridiculously colored jerseys and tribal accessories?  Not just yet.  Shanahan has had a lot of success in his day.  He’s won back to back superbowls, and holds a number of other records, but what exactly will his affect be on this 4-12 team?  Like many things in life (see Appendix A), the qualities of a football coach are binary.  He’s (I don’t mind being politically incorrect here, because there is absolutely no way there will ever be a woman head football coach)  either a proponent of a passing offense or a running offense, and Shanahan is the latter.  This will prove extremely beneficial to the Redskins.  I mean Campbell is no Delhomme, but 15 ints and 20 tds for season totals is pretty fucking miserable.  Another plus is that Shanahan will have a lot of say when it comes to bringing new players in, and he’s definitely not going to pick tiki barber even though he’s only an announcer.  But seriously.  The skins were off to a good start, big name players, and by big name I mean EXpensive, like Julius Peppers and LT came available and the Skins pretended not to notice.  Could this be the season where they don’t pick up a ridiculous player causing a news frenzy?  YAHnope.  DONAVAN FUCKING MCNABB is coming to DC.  That’s right, the guy that doesn’t understand the rules (poor guy is never gonna live that one down) and is unwanted by the Eagles (I mean, understandable, they do have Vick).  But, as promised, all bias aside, I do think that McNabb will perform better when he’s not under the constant pressure of Andy Reid to put up epic throwing numbers, and the Redskins need a fresh face in the huddle to promote some change in the whole offense.  Plus, I hear he’s on board with them getting TO… (luckily that was all a rumor and they picked up the THIRTY EIGHT year-old, Joey Galloway, instead, because I would have spent far too much money going to Skins games in the hope that TO might sign my body).

In conclusion, in my expert opinion, the pairing of a ridiculously easy season and a change in head coach and starting qb will have the following effects:

1. The skins will have a better season than last year.

2. Okay, the last one was cheating – The skins will have a better season than last year by 5 games (9-7), and that really hurt to say.

3. McNabb will actually enjoy playing pro football (until he loses a game and the skins’ fans turn in to the eagles’ fans, but worse for all of the obvious reasons).

4. I will absolutely still hate everything about the Skins, but when they play the Viqueens, I will be very happy to sit on the 50 yard line and taunt my step dad and little brother when the game is close (and brett favre has a stroke).

Appenix A: WHAT’S HOT AND WHAT’S NOT

HOT                         NOT

Non-Human Teen Sex Icon….JACOB           EDWARD

Steve Smith………………………….89                  12

Offensive Style………………… RUSHING     PASSING

Men’s Restroom Decision……..URINAL        STALL

Edward Norton Personality..TYLER DURDEN  HIMSELF

Departees……………………………..PADDY    LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Peace out bitches,

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