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Category Archives: the gang gets invincible

Fantasy leagues (i’m currently in 4) are having their live drafts, we’re half-way done with pre-season,  Favrey is back at practice, and Brady Quinn cried (probably) – it’s FINALLY football season.  It’s bittersweet, I guess, because it means the summer is over,  and although it’s been miserably hot pretty much every day, I’m still not looking forward to doing the whole school thing again (except  for my paint splatter and/or unicorn backpack).

Haynesworth

First it was his knee,  then he was too fat,  for a bit he just didn’t feeel like practicing,  then he was out for three days “because he was ill,”  a couple weeks of he still couldn’t run 300 meters,  a few days of headaches, and now it’s a “mild case” of rhabdomyolosis (i’m not a doctor, but that shit really hurts).  There’s almost nothing I hate more than an overweight, $100 million dollar receiving, face-stomping, redskin jersey wearing complainer – except, you know, anything having to do with the New York Jets, Fox news, or those silly vampire soft-core porns like True Blood and whatever those movies are called.  Shanahan should probably just bench his fat ass and go from there.

p.s. How happy was Zorn after the Ravens trounced the Skins in pre-season game 2?

in other news,

Kwame Brown is joining the Bobcats and being re-united with MJ (because apparently he didn’t learn his lesson the first time), Bristol Palin is charging 14,000 a speech, chat roulette is finally gone (for now..),  and a guy, that I thought couldn’t read, wrote a book, or something.

Also, this:

bet I wouldn’t have fallen asleep during this version.

Peace out bitches,

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he's gettin that.

Good for the Wizards. At least they won something, and, not gonna lie, I’ve been looking for a reason to get on board with a DC-based team (plus I already have a Wizards fitted), and the other alternatives can’t/won’t do:

Caps

Seriously???  Like, seriously??  DC’s one “claim to fame” (as far as sports go – I mean, we have Wale) gets out there and just fucks it up.  For some reason I can’t get on  board with hockey.  I mean.  I like the guys fighting each other?  But, overall, any game that involves very few scores, yet lots of back and forth is rull boring (sorry, soccer).

Nats

Actually looking better this season, probably because they were finally able to scrounge up enough money to pay for their number one draft pick, but regardless, baseball still bores me, I’m in love with Kevin Youkilis, and I know who pitches for the Reds.  I’ll definitely go to a game with the work tickets though, because who doesn’t like to sit outside and jeer at players while having beer brought to your seat?

Skins

EW.  Mcnabb is a cute old man though, so I’ll go to a game or two. (cheering for the Viqueens and the Giants, of course).

United

Eh. I mean, they’re an American soccer team, but the games are pretty awesome to go to (mostly because they’re cheap and the Screaming Eagles are probably the most entertaining fans ever – besides the Hokies’ ones of course), and soccer boys are RULL hot.

the one.

As I hung my Gilbert Arenas mask on my bulletin board in my new room (which is beyond amazing, by the way, although it is probably best suited for a child between the age of 4 and 10 that wishes she lived in the land before time and/or very much needs a fairy princess jewelry box), I remembered the good days, when the Wizards looked like they had a chance to obtain mediocrity, at the least.  But, big surprise – I was let down, because silly ‘bert decided to bring MULTIPLE guns to store in the locker room and then, instead of apologizing and acting mature with regards to the situation, pretended to shoot all of his teammates and had them fall backwards in a pre-game cheer.  (I would LOVE to have a picture of this as a poster, so uh, yeah, if you’re one of the one people that reads this, get me that please, kthxbai).  So, bert is out, sentenced to I don’t even remember like ah day in prison and some time in a halfway house?  Don’t know.  Don’t care.  The Wizards finish out their season almost dead last (luckily the nets set the bar pretty low).  But with a 10.7% chance, the Wizards’ luck turned around as they won the 1st draft pick in the lottery.  Barring Michael Jordan busting in and drafting Kwame 2.0, John Wall is most likely going to be trekking up to DC.

I don’t know if I’m more excited for the team having potential (Wall + Arenas  is gonna be TIGHT), or just the fact that ERRYBODY in DC is going to do the John Wall next season, but I plan on obtaining a majority of my work’s courtside tickets so that I can participate (and try to touch kobe, kwame, paul pierce, and NOT lebron james).  Hopefully the creepers that get the seats next to us move or get tired of basketball and start following alternative sports, otherwise I’m always going to have to take faux-boyfriends as dates (my little brother didn’t help AT ALL), because i’m really not trying to get sexually propositioned again.  When the time comes, I’ll post a bodyguard sign-up sheet or something.

Peace out bitches,

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For each team in the NFL, there is an assortment of characters that make up the hypothetical back-end: the team owners, coaching staff, statisticians, water boys, cheerleaders, kickers, those guys that hold the ball for the kickers, and locker room janitors, to name a few.  Neglecting the owner (most likely a stuck-up old douche bag who thinks he’s the shit, because he owns a professional football team but can’t even get his ugly wife gene to have sex with him and looks absolutely ridiculous in a powder blue suit), who, as far as successful teams go,  is primarily a figure head and, I think the scientific term is, “sugar daddy,” the head coach has supreme rule over team decisions.  Needless to say, when a positive change is made regarding the head coach of a team, it is safe to assume that this will bring positive change to the entire state of the team, and for most teams, I would agree, but you know what they say about assuming, and as far as I’m concerned, some teams just can’t be helped, which brings us to the Redskins.

I have decided to try to put my hatred and  bias aside for the remainder of this exploration, but in order to do this, I’m going to need to get as much of it out now as possible, because the last thing I want is one of my zero followers thinking I like (or could even tolerate) the Redskins.

'nuff said.

OK, so i was about to delve into a rant of no less than 3-5 lines about why the Redskins’ fans are beyond the worst, but then I found the picture above and saved myself from being 50 words closer to carpal tunnel, so I thank you disturbingly obese Redskins fan.  I can’t say I hope your team wins a game for you, but maybe that you happen to get tickets to a game where they’re featuring a free hot dog buffet.  (I’m being a fattist today, more so than usual, and I’m not sure why.  I’m also craving don pablo’s tortillas and con queso like it’s my fucking job).

The Redskins have been creating quite a commotion since the end of the ’09 football season.  We knew it was coming.  Snyder would never take any blame for the fact that he drafts like he’s playing fantasy football, which to his surprise (every fucking year) doesn’t work.  This is probably because in real life you don’t get points based on your individual players, the keyword is “team” and the Redskins are not one.  So, our little black sheep, Zorn, is out, and it’s time for his replacement.  The obvious best choice is the coach that couldn’t take the broncos to the playoffs for three years straight, has a son that’s the current offensive coordinator, and attended Jenna Bush’s wedding (wikipedia, babaaay).

eeeee.

You got it. Mike Shanahan takes the reins as not only head coach, but also general manager of the team — seriously? that happened?  Now we’re all wondering.  Is it time for the Redskins’ fans to get off the Saints’, Vikings’, and Jets’ bandwagons and start cheering for their team again?  Should they all go out and buy their ridiculously colored jerseys and tribal accessories?  Not just yet.  Shanahan has had a lot of success in his day.  He’s won back to back superbowls, and holds a number of other records, but what exactly will his affect be on this 4-12 team?  Like many things in life (see Appendix A), the qualities of a football coach are binary.  He’s (I don’t mind being politically incorrect here, because there is absolutely no way there will ever be a woman head football coach)  either a proponent of a passing offense or a running offense, and Shanahan is the latter.  This will prove extremely beneficial to the Redskins.  I mean Campbell is no Delhomme, but 15 ints and 20 tds for season totals is pretty fucking miserable.  Another plus is that Shanahan will have a lot of say when it comes to bringing new players in, and he’s definitely not going to pick tiki barber even though he’s only an announcer.  But seriously.  The skins were off to a good start, big name players, and by big name I mean EXpensive, like Julius Peppers and LT came available and the Skins pretended not to notice.  Could this be the season where they don’t pick up a ridiculous player causing a news frenzy?  YAHnope.  DONAVAN FUCKING MCNABB is coming to DC.  That’s right, the guy that doesn’t understand the rules (poor guy is never gonna live that one down) and is unwanted by the Eagles (I mean, understandable, they do have Vick).  But, as promised, all bias aside, I do think that McNabb will perform better when he’s not under the constant pressure of Andy Reid to put up epic throwing numbers, and the Redskins need a fresh face in the huddle to promote some change in the whole offense.  Plus, I hear he’s on board with them getting TO… (luckily that was all a rumor and they picked up the THIRTY EIGHT year-old, Joey Galloway, instead, because I would have spent far too much money going to Skins games in the hope that TO might sign my body).

In conclusion, in my expert opinion, the pairing of a ridiculously easy season and a change in head coach and starting qb will have the following effects:

1. The skins will have a better season than last year.

2. Okay, the last one was cheating – The skins will have a better season than last year by 5 games (9-7), and that really hurt to say.

3. McNabb will actually enjoy playing pro football (until he loses a game and the skins’ fans turn in to the eagles’ fans, but worse for all of the obvious reasons).

4. I will absolutely still hate everything about the Skins, but when they play the Viqueens, I will be very happy to sit on the 50 yard line and taunt my step dad and little brother when the game is close (and brett favre has a stroke).

Appenix A: WHAT’S HOT AND WHAT’S NOT

HOT                         NOT

Non-Human Teen Sex Icon….JACOB           EDWARD

Steve Smith………………………….89                  12

Offensive Style………………… RUSHING     PASSING

Men’s Restroom Decision……..URINAL        STALL

Edward Norton Personality..TYLER DURDEN  HIMSELF

Departees……………………………..PADDY    LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Peace out bitches,

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