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sweet dee drops knowledge all over everybody's ass.

wrap your minds around this.

Category Archives: Amurica – fuck yeah.


Remember that time 9 idiot kids (17-19 year olds) ruined christmas for everyone?  What fucking tools mix four loko with vodka, rum, and weed, blackout and have to all be taken to the hospital.  ARE.YOU.SERIOUS?   I could get super blackout on a handle of vodka tonight, have to go the hospital, and cry about how I just had to buy the handle because of the pretty packaging, but are they gonna ban vodka?? NO.  Why?  because it’s not the alcohol’s fault.  It’s the caffeine, “unsafe food additive”‘s, fault.  (Actually it’s the idiots who drank wayy too much’s fault, and America’s fault for unnecessary bans and restrictions and fucking with everything I like).   This is why caffeine/alcohol (cough cough redbull and vodka, any soda and vodka, dew drops, etc.) are SOOO dangerous for me:

“If you drink a 24-ounce can of Four Loko in one hour, that’s almost like drinking a full six-pack of beer in an hour, but you have that caffeine making you more alert, so you keep drinking. It’s like the worst of the worst things you can do.”

Correction.  This sounds like the best thing I can do.

Just because the caffeine keeps your body from following the natural process (passing out on some rando couch and getting drawn on by all of your friends – does this even happen?), does not mean it FORCES you to continue drinking.  You should know better than to drink  5 jeese (joose plural) in a row just because you’re not tired yet, IDIOTS, and if you don’t know better you’re probably underage, and can we really blame alcoholic beverages that cleverly marketed their drinks in colorful exciting cans for underage drinking?  yahnope.

I’m going to raid all the local 711s and gas stations STAT to stock up on cases of this golden beverage.  (and then sell them for $20 a can on the blackmarket to preteens).

Peace out bitches,

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Recently I’ve been throwing around the term “hipster” with a total disregard to its actual meaning.  Is it true that my lens-less 3d glasses, strictly thrift store apparel, and love of “indie” music do not a hipster make?  According to urban dictionary,

Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20’s and 30’s that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter.  Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. …  and a lot more bullshit about how ironically non-hipsters are actually following in the footsteps of hipsters (e.g. distressed jeans, now popular indie bands, etc).

Moral:  being a hipster has a lot more to do with not caring what anyone thinks about you, dressing ridiculously for sport, and being attracted to the runner/frisbee player build.

so what am I?

In a recent interview, Sterling Montgomery coined the term, brohemian (brahemian, the female version), to encapsulate the hipster’s close relative,

The modern brohemian, commonly confused as a hipster based solely on outward appearance is a 20 something who seems to care little about the opinions of others.  He makes a sport of dressing ridiculously (offensive at times), but is often considered trendy, usually by friends who are even less fashion aware.  The brohemian style is outrageously eclectic, taking a piece from many other genres and combining them all in the most ridiculous amalgamation possible.  Fake mustaches, pipes, knock-off wayfarers, lens-less 3D sunglasses, pocket watches, and fake jewelry are common accessories for both the bro and brahemian.  The majority of the wardrobe is thrift-store purchased and worn by guy or girl interchangeably.  Many bro/brahemians are current or previous ultimate frisbee players, because the spirit of the non-varsity sport promotes the brohemian style.  Where hipsters are strictly independent, self-thinkers, refusing to enjoy anything deemed “popular” by society, brohemians do not limit themselves in this way.  Their interests are as eclectic as their style, and they cannot be defined by a specific genre of music, literature (or even ability to read), or political party.

It’s a revolution.  Get on it.  Anyways, I’m way too fat to be a real hipster.

Peace out bishes,

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fat kids are not cute.

Motivated by Michelle Obama’s website on simple changes that can lead to weight loss (and an overall healthier lifestyle – I haven’t read it, but i’m sure it says that in the tagline), I’ve decided to drop a little knowledge on my fan base about how to not be fat (do as I say, not as I do).

10. Order a diet coke as opposed to regular to accompany your loaded nachos or philly cheesesteak (or both).

9. Instead of that triple cheeseburger for lunch, do the master cleanse for a week.

8. Drink light beer, well, unless you’re trying to get drunk.

7. Get liposuction, or even better, get that surgery where they shrink your stomach, and you’ll die if you eat too much.

6. Order a parasite online.  Pricy but effective.  (I just made myself rull sick trying to find a good website for purchasing, but i do know they cost about 2,000 dollars, and if you don’t remember to kill/remove your tapeworm, it can grow up to 6 feet long).

5. Get pregant.  Sure, you’ll gain weight for a bit, but it will be justified and breastfeeding helps you lose weight like woah, or so I’ve heard.

good for your baby.

4. Stop eating altogether.  Will be tough, but worth it in the long run.  Well, until your body can no longer sustain itself and then you’re dead.

3. Develop a cocaine addiction.  Slimming and makes you more interesting to others. Win win.

2. Always carry around an ice block, at 228 calories a bottle you can’t afford to be caught off-guard.

get iced, bitch.

1. Maybe don’t eat the KFC double down chicken sandwich or fried oreos.  Instead of a 2 liter of Mt. Dew, try juice, water, maybe even milk (it’s good for your bones).  Stop playing World of Warcraft all day and give the Wii a try, the real fatties should stay away from Mario Olympics because it’s known to cause injury (talking about you, Splodges), or get rull crazy and go outside.  Gawed, America, what the fuck.

Peace out bitches,

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Americans are idiots.  Like seriously, fucking idiots.  Maybe it’s just because I’ve been in a terrible mood (most likely due to the fact that I haven’t been keeping up with running, drinking, or any of my other go-to activities for stress release or the fact that I actually have the plague),  but I’ve seen a record amount of fritattaness, and I RULLY need to rant.

Patriotism. TO THE MAX.

gawed, republicans are the worst.

I absolutely can’t stand when people – whether or not they have any idea what they’re talking about – go on and on about how if someone has a problem with something in our country, then they can GEEEET OUT.  Isn’t that the fucking point of America?  To have the freedom (keyword) to have our own opinions about things? Admittedly, i’m not super patriotic.  Not like I hate Amurica, per se, I just think that when people adorn themselves in red, white, and blue paraphernalia they look ridiculous (and not in a good way).  Believe me, I’m very happy to have been born in Southwestern Virgina and been provided all the opportunities that come with the “American Dream” (college education, clean water, network television), but that doesn’t mean I have to use a flag as a throw blanket or set off fireworks from my balcony.  Or does it?  Maybe I just don’t know the rules.

How’s that gon’ ‘fect mai internets?

Seriously?  Seriously.  Why are the citizens of South Arlington so extremely incompetent?  I legit had to listen to a woman  complain to the guy at Best Buy about how she couldn’t get the anti-virus software to work on her off-brand laptop.  From what I could deduce, she was attempting to use a stolen disc, and didn’t understand that you also needed the license, which makes more sense than the fact that she also didn’t understand why having a wireless password was a good idea, “they think dey gon’ steal mai internets?”  You can’t make this shit up.  The only thing that made this event at all worth it (besides the fact that I laugh out loud everytime I think of the women wearing pajamas in BB at 5:30 PM) is that I somehow ended up with a brand new camera, because the frittatas at BB lost my broken one after calling to tell me they wouldn’t be replacing it due to water damage not being covered by my warranty.  (I then dropped said brand new camera in a sink full of soapy water at Mcfadden’s not 3 days later, but that’s besides the point, and it still works).

I don’t know what language that is, but it definitely translates to douche.

Nothing is douchier than a bad tattoo (or an Armani Exchange shirt that makes you look like peter pan.  Hm.  Or Smirnoff Ice, but that’s douchy in a bro way).  Recently read an exchange on my news feed.  I’ve paraphrased:

Douche #1: I’ve put this as my status, because I know that everyone I’m “friends” with cares a lot about my life, and this event is important to me: Getting a tattoo, but I’m not sure what I want yet.

Douche #2: Well you shouldn’t get one unless you’re certain it’s not gonna make you look like a complete jackass.

Douche #1: LOL. LMFAO. I’ve wanted one for a long time. Just can’t decide between a couple of ideas.

Douche #2: Oh. Ok. Good luck 🙂

Douche #3: I just got a tattoo of my birth sign, chicks dig it.

Me: that is the most original tattoo idea I’ve ever heard. to think. only the nations population divided by 12 share the same birth sign. I hope you got it on your bicep.

It’s not lying if I’m only doing it because it’s easier for me than telling the truth.

Why do some people lie for absolutely no reason?  I mean.  Okay.  Every now and then I tell little white lies when it gets me out of a huge unnecessary explanation of something to my mom (ex. danny not telling his mom that he had actually not checked whether or not we were allowed to have a grill on our balcony before buying one – spoiler alert: we’re not) or having to go on a date with a creeper (ex. “sorry, I’m a lesbian”), but I’m talking about when people just straight up lie.  As I feel I’m not a terrible (and by terrible I mean, not terrible in this regard) person, I don’t really see the motivation behind doing this,  but I’ve come up with some potential reasons:

1. Person needs everyone to like him/her, so instead of telling the truth in cases where it may result in even the tiniest bit of disdain from the receiving party, person tells a lie, and receiver is happy, well until they inevitably find out the truth.

2. Person doesn’t understand the difference between reality and web of lies invented within person’s head.  Not person’s fault.

3. Person has no respect for other persons feelings; Person is selfish.

4. Person is a lawyer, car salesman, or recent president.

5. Person knows more than me about how to cultivate successful relationships, and maybe I should start lying more.  Perhaps person is currently ranting about how it’s weird when other persons tell the truth all the time for seemingly no reason.

Go home, grandpa.

Seriously? Who gave this guy a license??

Remember that time when old people were cute?  Like when they couldn’t drive or understand technology or how much things cost?  NO.  It has come to my attention that the majority of old people (my grandparents excluded, because they are super self-sufficient, capable drivers, and know more about technology than me – not saying a lot, because I’m a girl, but still) are dangers to society.  Over the past week I’ve seen the guy from the tales from the crypt running more than one redlight, comin’ innnn to my lane OBLIVIOUS to me, and driving wrong way on a one way street (which we all know is only appropriate under the most special of circumstances).  I feel like it’d be hard to convince the government that we should start practicing senilicide like in the good old days, but is it too much to ask that perhaps we have license renewal tests after a certain age.  You know, just to make sure gramps can still operate the steering wheel, or understand the difference between drive, reverse, and the parking break?

I’m a terrible person.  It’s a wonder the 3 of you that read this are my friends.

Peace out bitches,

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