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sweet dee drops knowledge all over everybody's ass.

wrap your minds around this.

amy and I (after a few drinks) have decided to do a live blog (similar to jason chen’s) about the effects of four loko, but because drinking a loko is enjoyable, easy, and not really something to blog about.  we’ll also be adding to the challenge by playing kinect for the duration of the loko-drinking.

we have 2 lokos (1 watermelon and 1 lemonade) and we’re starting with kinect sports.  oh yeah, we also had a giant pile of nachos for dinner.  let’s do this.

6:57 – amy takes her first sip of each of the lokos, decides to give me the lemonade one.

6:58 – we turn on the kinect.

6:59 – the lemonade one tastes terrible. amy says her’s tastes like a jolly rancher. fuck amy.

7:01 – my stomach is on fire. we haven’t even started playing. first game – bowling.

7:03 – i’ve realized a live blog is only interesting if you have followers.  we’re gonna keep doing it though.

7:07 – ill.

7:11 – time to switch lokos. burping is yucky.

7:17 – volleyball was a bad choice. amy has drank significantly more than me. wtf.

7:26 – seriously, shoppybag, why are people still clicking on that?

7:33 – now soccer, ugh, why am i still writing this?

7:40 – Even though Amy had played soccer her whole life, Alison manages to beat her 6-1. Maybe, it is due to the fact that Amy has drank most of her Four Loco  and Alison has not..

7:47 – amy is just jealous.

7:55 – i weeeen.

7:56 – approximately 11 oz. remain.

7:57 – amy says “hi”, steve.

7:58-Amy is feeling the full effect of three martinis, paid by the company, and the Four Locos that she has consumed for the first time. Her performance is decreasing at a rapid pace. She scored One point on a game that is averaged of 15+ points. FAIL>

8:01 – you can tell who is posting based on the capitalization and lack of periods.

8:04 – seriously though. this four loko is delicious.

8:09 – i’m sweaty and tired. fuck.

8:12 – is this acid reflux?

8:15 – kinect means i’ll never have to go outside again.

8:21 – we only have one chair.

8:30 – delay of game – amy and i are having a lifer.

8:36 – tyler is here!!

8:42: game on bitches

8:47 – eeeeeeee.

8:53 – i should start a website called “things amy says when we’re drinking four loko and playing kinect and talking about things”  epic. would  anyone read it?

8:56 – 2 0z. to go. this tastes like aluminum.

9:22 – i have the worst hiccups of my life. fml.

9:29 – tyler went with the watermelon (tyler is now typing) and i have turned into a bowling champion? slash creating bowling league monday.  team name? pinheads perhaps? now table tennis:)

9:35 – third loko opened.

9:53 – is this real life?

9:54 – OHEMGEE. no hiccups. where are my roooooomates?

10:00 – “do you not own a mirror?”

10:08 – eating is cheating.

10:31 – “why buy an ottoman when you could buy a horse?”  why aren’t we out yet?

10:34 – i miss mike hodges.

10:39 – amy is a conspiracy theorist.

10:41

10:49 – asher roth looks like a clown, but i do love college.

11:07 – not gonna lie. i threw up in my mouf.

11:20 – “eleanor is insecure about her body, that’s why she won’t look at anyone”

11:22 – I don’t want to cut off my arm because it gets stuck under a rock.

11:26 – peace bitches, it’s baileys’ time.

11:42 – i thought katy perry and zoey deschanel were the same person.

10:58 (am) – i woke up in a snuggie and it feels like someone repeatedly punched me in the leg, but i’m without hangover.  mlifa.  four loko(s) win.

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Remember that time 9 idiot kids (17-19 year olds) ruined christmas for everyone?  What fucking tools mix four loko with vodka, rum, and weed, blackout and have to all be taken to the hospital.  ARE.YOU.SERIOUS?   I could get super blackout on a handle of vodka tonight, have to go the hospital, and cry about how I just had to buy the handle because of the pretty packaging, but are they gonna ban vodka?? NO.  Why?  because it’s not the alcohol’s fault.  It’s the caffeine, “unsafe food additive”‘s, fault.  (Actually it’s the idiots who drank wayy too much’s fault, and America’s fault for unnecessary bans and restrictions and fucking with everything I like).   This is why caffeine/alcohol (cough cough redbull and vodka, any soda and vodka, dew drops, etc.) are SOOO dangerous for me:

“If you drink a 24-ounce can of Four Loko in one hour, that’s almost like drinking a full six-pack of beer in an hour, but you have that caffeine making you more alert, so you keep drinking. It’s like the worst of the worst things you can do.”

Correction.  This sounds like the best thing I can do.

Just because the caffeine keeps your body from following the natural process (passing out on some rando couch and getting drawn on by all of your friends – does this even happen?), does not mean it FORCES you to continue drinking.  You should know better than to drink  5 jeese (joose plural) in a row just because you’re not tired yet, IDIOTS, and if you don’t know better you’re probably underage, and can we really blame alcoholic beverages that cleverly marketed their drinks in colorful exciting cans for underage drinking?  yahnope.

I’m going to raid all the local 711s and gas stations STAT to stock up on cases of this golden beverage.  (and then sell them for $20 a can on the blackmarket to preteens).

Peace out bitches,

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Where in time?

What’s next?

based on a random sampling with n=5,

And for anyone that needed a new computer background…

Peace out bitches,

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Recently I’ve been throwing around the term “hipster” with a total disregard to its actual meaning.  Is it true that my lens-less 3d glasses, strictly thrift store apparel, and love of “indie” music do not a hipster make?  According to urban dictionary,

Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20’s and 30’s that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter.  Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. …  and a lot more bullshit about how ironically non-hipsters are actually following in the footsteps of hipsters (e.g. distressed jeans, now popular indie bands, etc).

Moral:  being a hipster has a lot more to do with not caring what anyone thinks about you, dressing ridiculously for sport, and being attracted to the runner/frisbee player build.

so what am I?

In a recent interview, Sterling Montgomery coined the term, brohemian (brahemian, the female version), to encapsulate the hipster’s close relative,

The modern brohemian, commonly confused as a hipster based solely on outward appearance is a 20 something who seems to care little about the opinions of others.  He makes a sport of dressing ridiculously (offensive at times), but is often considered trendy, usually by friends who are even less fashion aware.  The brohemian style is outrageously eclectic, taking a piece from many other genres and combining them all in the most ridiculous amalgamation possible.  Fake mustaches, pipes, knock-off wayfarers, lens-less 3D sunglasses, pocket watches, and fake jewelry are common accessories for both the bro and brahemian.  The majority of the wardrobe is thrift-store purchased and worn by guy or girl interchangeably.  Many bro/brahemians are current or previous ultimate frisbee players, because the spirit of the non-varsity sport promotes the brohemian style.  Where hipsters are strictly independent, self-thinkers, refusing to enjoy anything deemed “popular” by society, brohemians do not limit themselves in this way.  Their interests are as eclectic as their style, and they cannot be defined by a specific genre of music, literature (or even ability to read), or political party.

It’s a revolution.  Get on it.  Anyways, I’m way too fat to be a real hipster.

Peace out bishes,

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Fantasy leagues (i’m currently in 4) are having their live drafts, we’re half-way done with pre-season,  Favrey is back at practice, and Brady Quinn cried (probably) – it’s FINALLY football season.  It’s bittersweet, I guess, because it means the summer is over,  and although it’s been miserably hot pretty much every day, I’m still not looking forward to doing the whole school thing again (except  for my paint splatter and/or unicorn backpack).

Haynesworth

First it was his knee,  then he was too fat,  for a bit he just didn’t feeel like practicing,  then he was out for three days “because he was ill,”  a couple weeks of he still couldn’t run 300 meters,  a few days of headaches, and now it’s a “mild case” of rhabdomyolosis (i’m not a doctor, but that shit really hurts).  There’s almost nothing I hate more than an overweight, $100 million dollar receiving, face-stomping, redskin jersey wearing complainer – except, you know, anything having to do with the New York Jets, Fox news, or those silly vampire soft-core porns like True Blood and whatever those movies are called.  Shanahan should probably just bench his fat ass and go from there.

p.s. How happy was Zorn after the Ravens trounced the Skins in pre-season game 2?

in other news,

Kwame Brown is joining the Bobcats and being re-united with MJ (because apparently he didn’t learn his lesson the first time), Bristol Palin is charging 14,000 a speech, chat roulette is finally gone (for now..),  and a guy, that I thought couldn’t read, wrote a book, or something.

Also, this:

bet I wouldn’t have fallen asleep during this version.

Peace out bitches,

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the only effect lebron's EPIC decision will have on me is whether or not I have to start hating a new team.

cavs

I wouldn’t put it past Lebron to put all of us through this media frenzy, simply to announce he’s staying with his current team, still the chosen one, still a crier, and still better than kobe.  Joke will be on everyone who cared enough to follow all of the latest “who’s Lebron been talking to/ eating with/ getting dunked on by?” gossip.  I will be happy, because I already hate the Cavs and Ohio, and Cleveland will be happy, because what else would they base their economy on – Kid Cudi?  Bone Thugs??  Don’t think so.

knicks

Please.  Please. Please.  Don’t ruin the Knicks for me, Lebron.  Probably should have been a Knicks fan from the start as both my parents are from New York, and the Knicks were the most prominently featured sports team on the two sitcoms that molded me in to who I am today – Friends and Seinfeld

*editors note: so, I forgot that George works for the Yankees and Kramer gets spit on at a baseball game, but there was that excellent ep, where George and Jerry take a limo from the airport that’s not theirs and think they’re getting 4 free tickets to the Knicks game, but end up getting confused for Nazis. Regardless. Joey/Chandler/Ross are always trying to go to the Knicks’ games*

But if it takes a gorgeous, gorgeous black man to sign with the team, for me to start following them, I’m okay with that.  Unless King James brings his oversized-ego, lack of rings, and tears to make me hate them before the season even starts.

nets

If I were making the decisions here, and was being forced to put bron bron on an NBA team, as opposed to, you know, post-term aborting him, I would send Lebron to the Nets.  Why?

a. they’re not good.

b. bandwagon fans are funny to me.

c. they deserve it after having their first pick and john wall snatched by the wizards.

BUT, I’m not making the decisions, and I highly doubt the Russian, although he believes, “Becoming a member of the Nets, who would give James the best opportunity to build a dynasty, become a champion and emerge as a global icon,” or even minority-owner Jay-z, will have the pull to get Lebron to the dirty jers, or is it crooklyn?  I haven’t been paying attention.

heat

dwyane wade, chris bosh, AND lebron james?!  That might be too intense even for Miami, although aaaaparently, the three (plus chris paul) did make a sisterhood-of-the-travelling-pants-esque pact to play together again after the olympics, so, yeah, who knows..

Can the heat afford the three plus any semblance of quality players? Doubtful.  Are NBA games played 3v3? No.

bulls

I would only be okay with this if Lebron went in, crab-dribbling and demanding that Jordan’s jersey be un-retired so he could wear number 23 (6 is a stupid  number, sorry patrick ewing).  I think the Bulls could be a good choice for Lebrand.  He’d be the top player on a team that used to have fans.  AND, he’d get to play with one of the best last names in basketball.  WIN, WIN.

mavs, clippers

yeaaahnope.

the resemblance is uncanny, really.

so what are my actual un-biased, no longer based on teams with overly attractive black men, from hometowns of ex-boyfriends, or with rappers with vested interests, prediction of where brawny will end up?

1. punching bitches in the face at the strip club for picking up his money before they’ve finished dancing

2. bulls

3. knicks

4. cavs

5. nets

6. heat

7. mavs

8. clippers

COUNT IT!

Peace out bitches,

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We live in a generation where technology has taken over every aspect of our day-to-day lives.  Not talking I-Robot here (how lucky was it that the “bad” robots turned red, so Will Smith would know which ones to kill – that would never happen in real life), but seriously,  the internet is capable of providing us(and by us, I mean those that aren’t technologically incompetent or too poor to own a computer, although, due to the nature of this publication, I don’t really need to worry about those people) with anything we could ever need – food, clothing, companionship, sex, scrabble, and the ability to obsess over the pictures of ex-boyfriends’ new girlfriends (or for the even unluckier few of us, new boyfriends).

It is no surprise that communication has become so dehumanized.  The love-letters and regrettable phone messages of old have been traded in for sexts and drunken e-mails (although these have become rare occurrences thanks to google making me do math before I can send an e-mail on weekends after 9 PM).   Let’s talk specifics:

1. Bluetooth Headsets

not your average user.

I’ve never been a fan of the headset.  I heard a serious discussion (and by heard, I mean read on my facebook news feed – point made) about when wearing a bluetooth headset was acceptable.  Personally, I believe that the whole idea of  “being safe while driving” is the only warranting factor for the cancer-causing over ear piece (and as I text while I drive, I wouldn’t even consider trying to be safe while talking), but some proponents apparently feel that the headset is a legitimate accessory at all times aside from sleeping, showering, and sexing.  REALLY? as if someone would consider it okay to wear their bluetooth during sex.  I mean, COME ON, it’s bad enough when I’m in the store and swear the person next to me is crazy town, because he is rambling to himself, but during sex? Unless you’re planning on ordering some post-coital thai food (nom.) or the headset also doubles as a mini-vibrator, you might want to leave it at home along with your wedding ring, pictures of your kids, and STD test results.

2. facebook posts

We get it.  You’re in love.  Or you think you are.  Or you’re a stupid girl.  Regardless, the following should never appear on a facebook wall:

a. “I miss you,” (from the same person, obvi) multiple times (really even one, is a little much, but multiple. seriously. multiple) on the same page (ie without having to “read more” or even scroll down).  maybe tell the person you miss them in real life? although, we can only assume that you do in addition to your facebook posts that you hope will communicate to other bitches that you have some sort of “i miss you” level of relationship with this person.  congratulations.  (“i love you” and “want to do you” can of course be replaced for ” i miss you” here and it’s just as pathetic, “msu” of course is an exception, because, I mean, it’s awesome.)

b. “I love you so, so much, you’re the best boyfriend ever. I can’t wait to see you, and marry you, and have your babies”   just, ew.  You have strong feelings for this person, cool, but tell said person, in person, or at least via some one-to-one form of communication, so I don’t kevin youkilis on my desk, and have to explain it to my supervisor as morning sickness.

c. really anything that’s not a hilarious link, inside joke, important bit of news, planning, or something so important that you must communicate immediately else you will forget, and somehow facebook is the only possible way.

3. Sexting

brb.

According to urban dictionary, Sexting: When a guy and a girl send dirty text messages back and forth to each other. Pictures may also be included, but only if you’re lucky.

Ex. “when can we stop sexting, and just have real sex?”

NGL.  I’m a fan – when done properly.  Also, I’m a stronger proponent of the picture exchange than the dirty talk, but that’s just me, and both types have their place.

Sexting is key to long-distance relationships.  Nothing says “I love you?” like a poor-quality, playboy-posed, half-naked picture with the comment ‘I wish you were here,’  of course this doesn’t mean sexting should be strictly (haha, strictly) limited to those with significant or not others.  Sexting when drunk is a particularly enjoyable experience, but depending on locale, out at a bar vs. home (hopefully alone, or i’d recommend putting the cell phone away) in bed, may need to be restricted only to *dirty* texts (although major style points to explicit pictures sent from bar bathrooms, backs of cabs, or middle of M street — all of these have just been placed on my todo list.  EXCITED!  Also, have just decided to start a page entitled “sextsfromlastnight,” so all you bitches better start contributing, and I really hope that my usual sexters don’t read this blog).

4. Texting about feelings.

This is a particularly rough form of textual interaction, it can happen to many different levels of severity, and has “broken the heart” of many a girl I know in the past, okay, well maybe just this one in particular that I discussed this with (and by with, I mean about with someone else. eee. gossip) yesterday.  The fact that texting is not face-to-face or even voice-to-voice, apparently to some means that texts don’t carry as much weight as normal conversations.  As I’m not a douchebag guy (or girl – not trying to be sexist here), I can’t get in the mindset of a person that would say/act one way over text, yet another way in person.  But, I, as a relationship-experienced almost 23 year-old girl, know a little better than to fall for a guy who is v. forwardly texting about how much he likes me, can’t wait to see me, wants to marry me (yeah. it’s happened), but obviously wants nothing more to sex — there are better ways to go about this, like alcohol or roofies.  A similar text-type is the guy (again, or girl) who has specific groups of girls (guys) for mass-texting purposes.  I mean, I can see the benefits; it definitely saves a significant amount of time and effort by allowing said douche to carry on mirroring conversations with multiple biddies at the same time, but could get awkward rull quick if personalized texts are sent to the wrong biddy or the biddies together realize they had been receiving the same texts all along.

The real dangers are the sneaky, clever, tricky texters who say things without actually saying them, forcing the textees to read into things, but then escaping blame by insisting that the particular interpretation was not the intent, or those who are just RULL good at texting — not fair, because in real life you don’t get minutes to carefully craft the perfect 160 character messages.

Point: texts should be taken for what they are, and if it’s never been said via any personal form of communication (using ones words, context clues, body language, etc.), then maybe it’s not really meant.

5. haha, jk

just kidding?

GRINDS GEARS: You know when someone says something that they really do mean, but then they end it with “haha” or “jk” or both, yeah, that’s the worst.  Uh, hi, you texted me that you wished you were here to do me on the counter, and you know what, you did mean it, and if not, then you probably shouldn’t have said it at all, cause your little postfix just makes you sound like a dumbass.

6. In-person Texting

This depends completely on the situation.  Let’s discuss two fictional examples:

GOOD: person 1 and person 2  at a party with lame, not at all fun person 3.  person 1 and person 2 text back and forth about the ridiculous things person 3 is doing/ how much of a fool of himself he is making . hilarity ensues.

BAD: person 1 and person 2 are at a SMALL gathering.  person 1 is clearly not interested in person 2.  person 2 continues to text person 1 cute/romantic-esque things.  person 1 REPEATEDLY looks at phone in disgust and does not respond.  awkward.


moral of the story is that I need to stop giving out my phone number.

Peace out bitches,

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